If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
