Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
