Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
