I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
