Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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