I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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