I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
