I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
