I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
