I'm gonna have a badass scar
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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