Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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