I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
