Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Boobs speak an international language.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
