Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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