when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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