Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
