She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
