Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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