I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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