where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
