I wish I could teleport
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
