I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
