I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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