New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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