Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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