Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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