I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
