she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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