my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
