i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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