there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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