I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
