I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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