doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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