The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
