He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
