There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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