she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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