now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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