K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
