I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
wanna go halves on a baby?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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