Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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