The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
