You're so nebulous sometimes
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
