I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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