i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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