Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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