to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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