Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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