I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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