walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
