The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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