Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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