So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
