things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
