Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
