You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
