Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
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