RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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