I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
