I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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