Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
