Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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