ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
